i lied im sorry i could never hate you
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I lean into being pathetic a lot for someone who snaps into killing mode upon seeing a hint of being pitied I think
we should trade
You have to pity me like I’m a protagonist it has to be for things in my control. If someone says they feel bad for me because I’m sick or whatever I feel just burning rage. I haven’t entirely figured out where the line of distinction is. Like being sick is out of my control but it’s a challenge I can respond to? In the same way losing a lot at mafia is? But saying “aww I’m sorry you’re sick” doesn’t feel like a recognition of challenge? I suppose it contains no inherent acknowledgement of it?
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Like I never tell anybody when I get sick (temporary illness rather than chronic) unless I absolutely have to because I despise beyond words when people say aw I’m sorry get well soon. I didn’t tell my parents I didn’t want to tell my professors I didn’t want to do any of that
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But I DON’T mind the “May is an illboy sickhead” acknowledgements like I rarely if ever get that way whatsoever about chronic illness?
And I only like when people mention the eating disorder shit lightheartedly or as a joke, but I do like when people mention in that way, it because getting into my head that it’s, like, incorrect, and I have to remember to keep myself in check on it and eat an appropriate amount is helpful. Like there’s a very specific desired reaction I have to every single different form of ailment or affliction
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I need to catalogue them and look for patterns
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If you were wondering, I act like this about every single thought or emotional reaction I have to any thing, all the time. I am analysing everything. Someday I will have a complete documentation of my being
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(im liking your posts as acknowledgement and relating to your words without havibg anything to add)
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Like I don’t feel that instinctive anger upon… like… even situations where someone is pitying me in a way that is explicitly demeaning. The only time I can think of that was close was the one champs practice game where I got really mad at Duskfall for calling me perpetual LHF who has bad reads and can’t play mafia… politely. Perfectly nice the whole time. He did nothing wrong. I feel no such emotion when people say this to me normally without mincing it. Maybe it’s that. That the default “aww get well soon” reaction is socially expected and polite and required of them. And so it’s lying.
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Because it is very similar to the feeling I’d get from counselors and such in school when they’d talk to me about my chronic illness and I’d just get the immediate “LYING LYING LIAR” alarm from them every time. That’s probably it. I don’t like when people perform pity toward me in a way that is socially expected and therefore usually a farce. I do like when people perform pity toward me in a way that somewhat breaks social expectations, like, for example, feeling bad for me for losing a lot at mafia, or joking about how terribly ill I am all the time, because when people break social expectations it suggests that they are telling the truth (as they would not break social expectations to say something that they did not genuinely believe)
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And now I understand. Thanks for coming on to this episode of understanding things with May, the show in which we grow to understand. This emotional reaction has been thoroughly broken apart and observed, and now we can reconstruct it from its pieces and recognise it when it occurs. Truly we have achieved something
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bread thread
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Basically if you feel obligated to feel sorry to me or generally feel obligated to say any other thing in the world and I notice you’re saying it out of obligation I will get really mad at you
i love how pokemon made gliscor be on the ground in gen 9. you thought ducking could save you
what if i dont feel obligated and im just autistic
What if I don’t feel obligated I just want to annoy you