i hate you
Nya
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i lean into being a bastard alot for someone who doesnt like being seen as āthat chaotic personā i think
i lied im sorry i could never hate you
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I lean into being pathetic a lot for someone who snaps into killing mode upon seeing a hint of being pitied I think
we should trade
You have to pity me like Iām a protagonist it has to be for things in my control. If someone says they feel bad for me because Iām sick or whatever I feel just burning rage. I havenāt entirely figured out where the line of distinction is. Like being sick is out of my control but itās a challenge I can respond to? In the same way losing a lot at mafia is? But saying āaww Iām sorry youāre sickā doesnāt feel like a recognition of challenge? I suppose it contains no inherent acknowledgement of it?
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Like I never tell anybody when I get sick (temporary illness rather than chronic) unless I absolutely have to because I despise beyond words when people say aw Iām sorry get well soon. I didnāt tell my parents I didnāt want to tell my professors I didnāt want to do any of that
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But I DONāT mind the āMay is an illboy sickheadā acknowledgements like I rarely if ever get that way whatsoever about chronic illness?
And I only like when people mention the eating disorder shit lightheartedly or as a joke, but I do like when people mention in that way, it because getting into my head that itās, like, incorrect, and I have to remember to keep myself in check on it and eat an appropriate amount is helpful. Like thereās a very specific desired reaction I have to every single different form of ailment or affliction
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I need to catalogue them and look for patterns
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If you were wondering, I act like this about every single thought or emotional reaction I have to any thing, all the time. I am analysing everything. Someday I will have a complete documentation of my being
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(im liking your posts as acknowledgement and relating to your words without havibg anything to add)
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Like I donāt feel that instinctive anger uponā¦ likeā¦ even situations where someone is pitying me in a way that is explicitly demeaning. The only time I can think of that was close was the one champs practice game where I got really mad at Duskfall for calling me perpetual LHF who has bad reads and canāt play mafiaā¦ politely. Perfectly nice the whole time. He did nothing wrong. I feel no such emotion when people say this to me normally without mincing it. Maybe itās that. That the default āaww get well soonā reaction is socially expected and polite and required of them. And so itās lying.
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Because it is very similar to the feeling Iād get from counselors and such in school when theyād talk to me about my chronic illness and Iād just get the immediate āLYING LYING LIARā alarm from them every time. Thatās probably it. I donāt like when people perform pity toward me in a way that is socially expected and therefore usually a farce. I do like when people perform pity toward me in a way that somewhat breaks social expectations, like, for example, feeling bad for me for losing a lot at mafia, or joking about how terribly ill I am all the time, because when people break social expectations it suggests that they are telling the truth (as they would not break social expectations to say something that they did not genuinely believe)
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And now I understand. Thanks for coming on to this episode of understanding things with May, the show in which we grow to understand. This emotional reaction has been thoroughly broken apart and observed, and now we can reconstruct it from its pieces and recognise it when it occurs. Truly we have achieved something
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bread thread
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Basically if you feel obligated to feel sorry to me or generally feel obligated to say any other thing in the world and I notice youāre saying it out of obligation I will get really mad at you